Learning Curve

  In another post I mentioned that my youngest was annoyed with me when we took a trip by plane two weeks after he could not get himself on the plane with his brother. We were taking a longer trip than the flight out to Vegas and it was not like anyone was going to be there to take him if he could not make himself get on the plane. It also was not a cheap flight. We paid my in-laws the $100 for the flight to Vegas he missed but we did not have the money to lose on the one we took two weeks later because it was not only his ticket that we would lose money on. One of us would have to stay behind with him. He absolutely needed to make that flight so we saw the psychologist right after he missed the flight to visit the in-laws and talked about the Rx needed to calm his nerves. We had less than 14 days for him to take the meds; hopefully that was enough to get him on the plane. That was an anxious two weeks for all of us.

  Hindsight is wonderful, isn't it? Now I can see that we had nothing to worry about. He would not have been frozen and not able to get on the plane with us but at the time, I did not know that. I kept asking how he was and I think I made him more nervous than anything. He was fine to get on that plane because my husband and I were with him. It likely would have only taken one of us to be with him for him to be OK. Lesson learned.

  I do not have social anxiety, at least, not to the extent my son has it. I am what I consider 'normal nervous' before doing something new. I can sit in a restaurant by myself and eat and read. The first time I did it, I hated it but I am used to it now so it does not bother me. I made myself do it in the first place so I was in control. Maybe that is why I can continue to do it and even enjoy it. I had always admired people sitting in cafes reading their book while sipping on their coffee. They looked so relax, so peaceful. I wanted to be relaxed and peaceful!

  Walking into a new job, a classroom, a new restaurant, exercise class by yourself is nerve wracking even for people who are normal nervous but for someone with social anxiety, it is paralyzing. The only one from that list that cannot be done with a buddy is walking into a new job and quite possibly the classroom. My son will be taking driver's ed soon so my goal for him is to be able to walk into the class each week and get it done. We can work on the new job another time although I think he would be fine with that. Most of his aversion to doing things he does not want to do seems to center around school BUT he does want his license and he wants it at 16 to show up his brother (who did not go get his until almost 18) so that might be the motivation he needs to get himself to class. Wish us luck!  

Socialization (Here Comes The Hives)

  Do you remember when I mentioned that the word socialization gives me hives? Well, I have taken a Benadryl so here goes...

  Socialization per the Encyclopedia Britannica:

Socialization, the process whereby an individual learns to adjust to a group (or society) and behave in a manner approved by the group (or society). According to most social scientists, socialization essentially represents the whole process of learning throughout the life course and is a central influence on the behaviour, beliefs, and actions of adults as well as of children. 

  Psychologically, your feelings will either inhibit or promote your socialization (yep, breaking out that undergrad knowledge, thank you very much). For instance, if you are fearful of large groups, it is unlikely going to The Taste of Chicago is something you would consider even if it does take place in the greatest city in the world (yeah, I am partial). Walking around with 1.4 million people does not appeal to me and I do not have a fear of large groups but for someone who gets jumpy in a group larger than 20 people, the thought of 1.4 million is likely paralyzing.

  Emotions play a large part in socialization. My oldest son does not like school but he goes because that is what you do. He wants a good job with good benefits so he can move forward. The best way to get that good job is education. When faced with an unfamiliar situation, even when it is unexpected, he knows he can do it and if he does not know what to do, he asks for help. He has confidence. My kids were supposed to fly on their own to my in-laws last year. Because my youngest was only 13, my husband was allowed to accompany them both to the gate. My youngest could not make himself get on that plane so my oldest went alone. Obviously, he was nervous but he did it without issue and since he was old enough to fly by himself anyway, my in-laws were unable to accompany him to the gate on their end so he had to do it by himself from security.

  My youngest was unable to fly because of fear. He knows his brother would not let anything happen to him and if he were traveling with him to get to us or to get to his grandmother, he would have no problems getting on the plane. Because he had not flown nor seen the in-laws in many years, his fear kept him off the plane. The comfort of knowing he would be with his brother was not enough to get him on the plane and that is OK. His brother was bummed but he still enjoyed his trip. Had their grandfather not been out there already, who knows, he might have gotten on the plane but to be with people he has not seen in many years and does not know (even though they are family) in addition to being with a person he finds difficult made him too anxious to fly. He got on a plane without issue two weeks later when our family took a trip. He was completely annoyed with me the whole time but that is another story.

  My youngest knows how to behave in society. He opens doors for me and others, he is polite, he engages in conversation if spoken to, he can order his own meal when we are in a restaurant, he and his brother go places together and engage with shopkeepers, cashiers, etc. I get compliments galore on what a wonderful young man he is. The idea that he is missing something by not attending public school is absurd to me and I will explain why.

  The alleged benefits of public school are that kids learn to relate to different personality types. It is said (by Scholastic) that working through disagreements on the playground or at the lunch table helps negotiation skills, problem-solving abilities and self-control. All of this is true unless your child is bullied (really bullied not just the normal garbage kids do to each other at school) or otherwise subject to many conflicts while in school (teachers and administrators can be bullies too - unfortunately, we have experienced that firsthand).  Bullied kids and those who cannot seem to avoid conflict do not socialize, they exist until they can go home. In addition, kids who attend public school are introduced to drugs, sex and pornography. How is this helpful to my child? Outside of school, our kids will interact with people of all ages - people at restaurants, stores, church, family functions, etc. My child functions fine in these situations and behaves in a manner approved by the group which leads me to believe he is socialized.

  Whew, I feel better now. Thanks for 'listening'. =)

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  I have read many articles on the subject over the years. This link will lead you to one I have read most recently and have used information from in my blog post. It's a pretty neat site overall so check it out.
http://oureverydaylife.com/school-impacts-childs-socialization-16255.html

Bump in the road

The month of April was not a smooth road in our house.

Easter was spent cleaning and disinfecting since I was the only one in the house not sick. My youngest had a stomach bug and my hubby and oldest had bad colds. Easter dinner at my house was canceled. I missed Good Friday and Easter Sunday services at church. Our Pastor emailed me the following week because he was worried about us. If you can't tell - we normally do not miss Easter.

My youngest spent 8 days at home with that stomach bug and missed 6 days of school. Went to school for two days then never went back.

Yep, he refused to go to school.

We had 29 days left.

The anxiety and depression got the better of him and he couldn't face it. My baby couldn't make himself leave the house.

This whole school year has been a fight to get him to go to school. If he's having problems breathing, he doesn't want to leave the house. He leaves after I do so he has 40 minutes to dwell on the fact that he doesn't want to go before he needs to leave and that's enough time to make himself too anxious to move.

After we discussed homeschooling in January before 2nd semester started, he was going to school regularly. It was short-lived but really exciting while it was happening. I praised him by telling him how proud I was that he was going to school without complaint. He told me he saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Only a few more months left.

As the weather turned, his allergist changed his medicine which made it hard for him to breathe so had to change it back. He missed some days there and then it started again like it had earlier in the year. After spring break, the bullying was taken care of but who knows how long he'd suffered before he said something to us.

This has been a long school year for both him and for us.

We made it through but he attended a school refusal/anxiety program at a local hospital and that helped a lot. As you can imagine though, they were not on board with the whole homeschooling idea. The outside psychologist he sees is not on board either but we have to do what we think is best for our son.